Saturday, June 4, 2011

Frustration

I have to admit, even I didn't believe that coming back from an injury would be this slow going. It's frustrating and I'm frustrated. I'm discouraged enough that I'm thinking of taking the entire season off. Yeah, just scrapping the whole thing and not even attempting to race this year. Taking a year to get my ducks back in a row, to get back to school and to get financially stable once again. Isn't that reasonable? How come the very thought makes me feel so guilty then?

I'm frustrated with the weather too. Why am I looking out my window and rain and snow while I'm looking at the calender on the wall and for some reason it's been flipped to the month of June? Surely, there must be some mistake here. Clearly, it is not June in Northern California, perhaps February would be a more appropriate month for that calender to be displaying.

Being slow, out of shape, and unmotivated to ride due to the fact that there is a very real chance that winter will never end is a trifecta of self-doubt that I have yet to experience in my cycling carreer and one which I'll certainly be happy to be done with.

Do I really mean it when I say that I'm going to stop racing(or never start again to be more precise)? Right here, right now, in this very moment, as I sit huddled under a blanket staring out at the gloom after being defeated by the elements as I attempted to complete a relatively easy ride earlier this morning; yes, I do mean it. And I mean it quite seriously at that. The wall seems all too high to climb, the mountain far too steep to scale and the river far too wide to cross in this dreary little moment of my existence.

It's moments like this when all the little things that tell me I can't seem to be shouting in my ears that I shouldn't and assuring me not only that I won't but also that I never should have to begin with. They tell me that it's okay to bow out as I never belonged here to begin with and that it was only a matter of time until this day came to be. Maybe all those little voices of self-doubt are right, maybe I gave it a good run and it's time to bow out somewhat gracefully.... In this cold and gloomy moment, those voices are more clear than ever and they are making a lot of sense.

This however, is only a moment. And, moments are brief, they pass frequently and as each one drifts by, so too does our place in this world (both mentally and physically) change. I have no doubt that I will look back on this moment from another moment in the future and wonder how on earth I could ever have typed such crazy things. Be that as it may, I can't help but feel frustrated with the painstaikingly slow crawl back to the place where I once was.

Dinner time.