Wednesday, January 4, 2012

nothing to do with riding bikes

It's an unfinished thought, but here it is.

I don't know where to begin. It's been months since I've typed anything here and the things that have happened in the months since I have updated this blog are things which will forever change the content of what's written here. I've become a big fan of journaling in the recent months. I've written many hundreds of pages in the space that I used to fill with compulsive and self-destructive behaviors and I had initially planned to continue writing those pages this evening but I thought that it might be a nice change of scenery to write something here instead. It's different. I can feel it, even now, as I write these opening words. I feel like there are boundaries here, like I must regulate my thoughts before they make it to the page which leaves me wondering what my true motivations to write here versus in the privacy of my own notebook really are. There are no rules or guidelines within those pages. Anything can be said and anything goes. No topic is off-limits and no thought goes unmentioned or unexplored. So why here, why now? Is it because I feel that the topic which has been swimming through my brain all afternoon is one that needs to be regulated and restricted as it is formulated? Am I interested in other people seeing what I have to say? Do I believe that in reading these words, someone may gain a deeper insight into themselves and will somehow come away with a new perspective on their own struggles? Or is it simply because the matter that I have been putting so much thought into recently involves someone outside of myself and that in leaving my thoughts here, on this page, there is a chance that those thoughts can still be seen and heard whereas they would be locked away from the world if I chose to put them in my notebook?

It's fitting that I be questioning what my motivations are to be making a blog entry suddenly as the questioning of motivations for actions has been a large portion of what I have been thinking so intently upon over the last week or so. Of course, the question of why I do what the things I do has been a constant throughout this process of recovery has led me to question behaviors ranging from why I feel the urge to throw up after meals to why it is that I put my left shoe on first in the morning; but somehow, even while questioning my every move throughout the day and what it is that motivates me to do act the ways that I do, there has been no thought given to the ways in which I behave in relationships with others. I have examined, poked, and prodded my behaviors in my relationship with myself and I must say that in so doing, I have been able to recognize things, realize patterns, change behaviors, and grow as a person; but somehow I have failed to look at the patterns and behaviors that are present in relationships with persons outside of myself. Its all well and good to have a great relationship with yourself, but it's impossible to go through life without interacting with and developing relationships of some sort with the people that you encounter.

This is where the question of motivations has been coming up. I feel as though I have a pretty good handle on why it is I do the things that I do when the situation involves only me, but the recent development of new relationships in my life has shown me that there is a glaring difference still present in the role that I fill when I'm involved in a relationship and the role which I would like to fill when I'm involved in a reltionship. I have been aware of a seperation between my behaviors and my intentions in other areas of my life for a number of years but it seems that only after those intentions and behaviors have been aligned and I have proven to myself that I do have the ability to act and behave in the way that I want to, have I been able to shed any light onto the descrepency between intent and action in the relationship department of my life. I don't like this. It's not going the way that I want it to. I feel like I can't just out and say the things that I want to say because despite the work that I've done and despite feeling like I really don't care what other people think of me, I still do care about other people and I care about the way that those people feel and the way that what I say or do can have an impact on the way that someone else is feeling. It's a shitty feeling. I don't like feeling like I have that much power, like what I say or do has a meaning and can potentially have an impact on the thoughts and emotions of another soul.

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