Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Gone

You've left and gone away now. It's not that our lives crossed paths often, in fact we hadn't seen one another in months when we last spoke. You were not necessarily here and yet I cannot help but feel that you're gone forever. I barely knew you. Our lives touched only briefly before we went our seperate ways to fight our demons alone but brief as our interaction may have been, I can tell you that not a single day has passed since I heard the news that the thought of you has not crossed my mind at the mention of word, the sight of a place, or the thought of a moment. I have never thought of myself as someone who becomes attached to other people, in fact I have made great efforts to put distance between myself and the rest of the world so that when people leave or relationships end as they always seem to do, I can move on without feeling the grief and pain of the loss. I barely knew you and though we became close for a moment in time, we had grown nearly as far apart as two people could before the end, and still I feel the pain of your death deep inside of me. I can feel the void within that I had no idea your smile had once filled. I'd like to believe that you and I learned quite a lot from each other in the time that we shared and even in your passing, you are still teaching me things I may never have learned about myself otherwise. You have shown me that depsite my best efforts to remain distant from those around me, I am deeply affected by the people that I call my friends and these people help to make my life full and welcoming. You have shown me that there is no weakness in enjoying the presence of the people that you care about, only the potential for regret in not taking the opportunity to spend time with them while you have the chance. We spoke only three days before your passing and how could we have known that it would be the last time? I know that realistically there is nothing that I could have said or done to change your destiny but I am coming to find there is nothing I can say or do now to shake this notion from my mind. I would have thought of something more important to say had I known that I'd never get the chance to say it again. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your struggles with me and allowing me to share mine with you. Thank you for sore thumbs from sending so many text messages on my crappy phone. Thank you for thrift shopping in Berkeley and conversations about the psych ward at full volume on the crowded BART train. Thank you for showing me that I'm not the only one who is in love with Emo Punk bands from my highschool days. And thank you, for being the friend that I so desperately needed after my world had been turned upside-down. I hope you have finally found the peace that you so deserve.

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