Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Ghost of Me

If you ignore something long enough, won't it just finally disappear? Are people the same way? If you ignore me long enough won't I just go away eventually? Maybe. Maybe not. How long does it take for me to just float away into nothing along with all of the other ignored things in the universe, a month, a week, a few days, only a few hours? Right now I still feel like I'm somewhat more than nothing, but only just.

I'm disappearing before my eyes, a slumbering apparition turning invisible and waiting for a hint of recognition to wake me and breathe life back into my transparency. Is it wrong that I need to feel validated? Is it wrong that I require some recognition that I exist from those that I care about? I feel as though it is. I feel like a burden, like my needing to know that I am still wanted is only a bother to those who I thought wanted me in the first place. How long does it take to push someone away with too many demands and requirements for closeness? Not nearly as long as it takes to be forgotten about and to disappear entirely.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe normal people don't show each other that they care for one another by communicating this fact. Maybe normal people are secure enough in themselves to know that they are wanted despite the actions of another person clearly indicating that they are uninterested in said normal person. Perhaps I'll never be normal as you but maybe I prefer this way of living or maybe I don't have any choice given what's happened. Maybe I will never be able to trust you like you trust me and maybe that's the reason that this will never ever work. But maybe I still want to try. Maybe it's worth a shot, perhaps with compromise we can make this work.

But we is the key word. I cannot do this alone and so far I feel as though I'm the only one putting any effort into keeping myself fleshed out and visible to the rest of the world. Without my efforts we would have faded into obscurity weeks ago. What's the point in continuing on if I feel so awful already? Am I that certain that I will never find someone who treats me like a human being, someone who respects my needs and works with me rather than against me to make something work to the greater benefit of both parties involved. I must be. I have a feeling that no normal person would tolerate this level of distance. No self-respecting individual would accept being completely ignored the way that I am.

I know on some level that I shouldn't settle for less than I deserve but who's to say exactly what it is that I deserve in the first place? Maybe this is exactly what I'm entitled to. Maybe I only deserve one text a day to say that you're too busy to text me any more. I'm not worth much and I deserve to be treated as such. I get it. You're not interested. You tell me that you are but your actions speak louder than your words and I'm not deaf. I can hear just fine and I'm able to read between the lines like no one you've ever met. I don't think this requires any deciphering though. People who care about one another stay in touch. People who don't care about one another simply ignore each other.

I must seem desperate. Am I? Maybe. But is it such a bad thing to be desperate to feel loved and cared for, desperate to be acknowledged, desperate even to be spoken to? I don't think that it is. I think that these things are within the realm of normal human wants and needs and I think it is my right to have these things in my life. Maybe you just can't provide them to me. Maybe I should be devoting myself toward looking elsewhere for the emotional nourishment that I require to survive. I'm starving right now and I'm growing weaker by the moment. How long do you have to ignore a living thing before it dies? I guess it depends on the thing. A person? Not that long. A few weeks ought to do the trick.

I haven't got a few weeks. I haven't got the emotional stamina to endure a period that long without nourishment. I'll wither away and die in no time at all and my body will live on nursing the damaged soul that resides within until someone shows me enough common decency to acknowledge that I fucking exist. The truth is that I have lived damaged for far too long and that I don't need to continue living in a way that hurts me more deeply. There's been enough pain and failure for a lifetime already. I don't need any more and that's all that I'm getting from the current situation.

What am I to do but assume that I'm not wanted? Wouldn't you be talking to me if I was? Wouldn't you have something more to say to me if you cared if I lived or died? I know that I would if I cared about someone else. I'd have a lot more to say, more than could ever possibly be said, in fact. But you don't care. You don't care and you're making that clear to me with every second of silence that passes between us. Your silence speaks louder than your words ever have and I'm hearing you clearly now that enough time has passed. How long does it take for something ignored to completely disappear? Longer than I'm willing to wait around.

You say that it's not me and that it's your own issues that keep you so distant, but why would I want to stick around if you're not willing to work through whatever it is that's going on for you that keeps you away from me? What's the point? What we have is almost less than nothing and I'm not going to hold out for something that barely even exists. I need to know with certainty that what we have can endure a few hundred miles before I'm going to be willing to change my life for you. How dare you lead me on like this? How dare you come here to my home and make love to me when you have no intention to stay near me emotionally? It's not fair to me to live this way and the worst part is that you're so disconnected that you probably don't even know that you're putting me through any sort of pain or turmoil. You have no idea that you're mistreating me.

But isn't this just the way that it must have been to be with me back when I was so sick? Wasn't I just as unavailable to the people who cared about me? I was. I was completely absent from my own life and from theirs and it must have been just as painful for them as it is for me now to know that I could never be there for them in the ways that they wanted to be there for me. But at least I feel guilt, or shame, or something, anything at all for knowing that I mistreated the people who loved me. I doubt that you feel anything at all right now because I doubt that you realize that you're mistreating someone in the first place.

This is all wrong and I know that now. I couldn't have known it a few weeks ago but you're actions have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are wrong for each other. I need someone who is willing to communicate with me. I need someone who is willing to show some sort of affection to me when she's not around. This is long distance. This is how things work when you're not near the person that you're attracted to. It's pretty straight forward. It's not difficult to understand though apparently it's incredibly difficult for you to put into practice. It's okay. It's whatever. I'm over it already anyway. That's not true, not even in the slightest. I'm not over it at all and I want you to know that. I thought that we stood a chance of making this work but I guess I had it all wrong from the beginning. I think that it's time to break things off before they even have a chance to get started.

Goodbye, and this time it's goodbye for good.

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