Friday, June 6, 2014

Fake It Till You Make It

It's the evenings that are the most difficult. It's the evenings when I can't stand to be near me. It's the evenings when I want to run away and it's the evenings when I want to wash it all down the sink along with a gallon of blood. My blood. No one else's. Oh no officer, I lost the knife out on the street somewhere. Don't worry about me, I would never hurt another person. I'll just keep hurting myself.

But I have hurt another person now. Not physically, god no, but emotionally. And isn't that worse? Won't a cut heal and won't a bruise disappear with enough time? Of course they will. Emotional wounds are the type that get torn open again and again as you go through life. They are the wounds that take the longest to finally scab over and when that scab is ripped off by god the blood will flow like a river from your broken heart.

I hurt someone. Not because I had to, certainly not because I wanted to, but rather because I didn't have the courage not to. I didn't have the courage to just believe in them and to trust in the things that they were telling me, so I lied again and again in order to feel as though I had the upper hand. Is it really a power struggle if one person doesn't know that it exists? It's definitely not a fair fight, in any case. So I lied because I was so certain that I was being lied to, because I couldn't understand how to feel anything different, because my trust muscle is a fucked up twisted little thing that needs a lot of training before it is ready to compete, and it all made sense at the time.

Of course it did. The things that I tell myself are truly incredible. No one likes me. People only come near me because they feel sorry for me. I am a failure. I'm too fat. I'm ugly and no one will ever want me. I'm too messed up in the head to be around normal people. I can't do anything right. I ruin everything. I am unlovable. I am a bad person. I have to be the best so that people will tolerate my presence. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. Everyone is out to break my heart. Everyone lies to me all the time. No one tells the truth. No one is to be trusted. People only want me to trust them so that they can crush me. And it goes on and on. Making it through the day can sometimes be challenging with this shit playing on repeat inside of my head but these things that I keep telling myself make a relationship basically impossible.

I see that now, should have seen it months ago before I ever tried being in a relationship in the first place. There is so much work left to do on me before I'm truly capable of being a solid half of something whole. But I'm impatient. I lie to myself and tell myself something else: I am healthy and I am ready for this step in my life. It's not true I'm afraid. Something tells me that I have to be relatively certain that I am a likable, valued, trusted, enjoyed member of the community before I can feel okay about trying to be with someone. I have to be strong on my own. I have to not need someone, I have to truly want someone and that is my biggest problem.

I tell myself something else. I tell myself that someone special can make me feel all the things about myself that I need to feel but seem incapable of feeling when I'm alone. It's not true. Not entirely. Another person can make me feel great, but I want to feel great without that person too and that's where I struggle.

It never used to be like this when I was riding my brains out and puking my guts into the toilet every chance I got. I didn't care much about having someone at that point in my life. In fact, having someone just got in the way of me doing the things that I thought I needed to do in order to survive. Funny how the tables have turned. The tape was still playing on repeat in my head back then but I felt like at least I was actively doing something to try to change the way that I felt. I was sculpting a beautiful body, one that another person could surely love. And I was accomplishing everything that I had ever wanted by riding and by being skinny so I told myself that I was allowed to love me too. But it never worked at the end of the day. I hated myself more then than I do right now. My life was a miserable place to live and my mind was a dangerous place to linger.

My life isn't so miserable now, it's actually quite pleasant. I just find ways to fuck it up so that I can be a little more comfortable with what I know from time to time. But I'm working on that tendency. I'm trying to behave myself and I'm trying to conform when I can. Who am I kidding though? It's tough to live in a world of rules when I basically did whatever I felt like doing for so very long. But this is better. I tell myself that this is better. This has to be better because there is no going back knowing what I know now. I'm a civilian now and the life of a super hero seems like a distant memory or a dream gone blurry upon awakening.

This is it, and I have to make the best of it or die trying. And I will, I have no doubt. I always manage to get my shit together when it really counts and hopefully life will be no different. A friend of mine brought up an interesting point the other day. He told me that despite whats going on in my head, despite the fact that I feel like I'm faking it, I'm still getting straight As in school, I'm still #1 at work, and I'm still trying my hand at relationships and having mixed successes. So, he said to me, it doesn't matter what it feels like in my head, because whether I feel like I'm faking it or not, I'm still doing it. I'm doing it, he said to me. I'm functioning at a higher level than most of my peers on multiple fronts and whether I'm struggling like crazy to do so or not isn't as important as the fact that I'm getting it done. And he's right. I may be faking it, but I'm putting on a damn good show and no one who doesn't really know me would have any idea that sometimes I'm about to lose it, because despite how I feel, I make it happen.

And for now, maybe that's what recovery really has to be, making it happen despite how I really feel about it. At some point, I believe that the act will go away and I will be present in what it is that I'm doing in my life but for now, faking it till I make it is just going to have to do.

1 comment:

  1. Hey dezmin, I want to ask how are you but after reading that, I get that you are not well. I want to say I hope you are doing well, and I truly mean that, but after reading this, I become aware that things could be a lot better for you... I don't want you to feel like I am just pitying you or anything like that. Even after all these years I still think of our friendship we shared about 10 years ago. You were an awesome friend and I honestly wish you were still a part of my life as a good friend that you were and I am sure you still are to many. Private message me if you want to talk and I can give you my number if you want to ever talk. Love you dude.